HedgeDoc - Collaborative markdown notes

<h1 class="entry-title" style="text-align: center;">Love in the Time of Feminism</h1> <img src="https://media.istockphoto.com/id/1180793636/photo/love-hearts-in-plate-sex-flirt-concept-fall-in-love-in-different-partners-pick-a-new.jpg?s=612x612&w=0&k=20&c=xUDLKUPcpFnPI4dFtS6017-9YsyydsFjEGyPMZqp49A=" alt="" width="800" height="533" /> <h1>Love in the Time of Feminism</h1> Bastiat expressed an interest in hearing my take on "how I identified my husband's qualities and potential while we were still quite young", and also "how I've handled being married to a fighter pilot with the uprooting and frequent moves through the years". I'll attempt to answer: After a long string of meaningless one night stands I decided that: <ol> <li>I was tired of cab rides home</li> <li>I was tired of condoms</li> <li>I wasn't getting any younger</li> </ol> I kid! I kid! More seriously, both on a personal note and sphere-related...I think most women are actually most comfortable when the man in their life leads them. When the man doesn't lead the woman has to, and usually is not happy (or at least not happy with her relationship). Because of this it's important that the man is comfortable being, well, a man. I don't think I realized this until I met my husband. Up to that point I was a pretty staunch feminist, PETA activist, and generally very independent in relationships. What changed was discovering that a man with <a href="https://blog.loveawake.com/2020/08/17/find-your-purpose-with-1-simple-question/">clear purpose</a> and conviction could actually make me feel secure enough to step into a complementary role rather than a competitive one. <h2>Finding Leadership and Strength in a Partner</h2> My husband has the qualities I was looking for...intelligence, confidence, strength of character, humor etc. But the thing that was truly different is that I felt at ease following him, because I trusted he knew where he was going. Once that happened I relaxed with the idea of following and no longer felt the need for those other things in my life. I'm sure some would say this idea is outdated, but we are creatures of evolution and it feels like things are right. That commanding quality, the sort of 'mission/goal/objective' oriented nature is a very desirable trait. <a href="https://blog.loveawake.com/2019/10/14/how-important-is-physical-attraction/">The attraction</a> was very primal after just a short time of getting to know him (and remains so). Looking For Love Online ? Try Loveawake: <a href="https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-Kingdom-dating-service.html?page=14">A Place To Find Online Love In UK</a> <a href="https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/United-States-dating-service.html?page=14">American Love Online</a> <a href="https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/Spain-dating-service.html?page=14">True Love and Dating in Spain</a> <a href="https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/Canada-dating-service.html?page=14">Find Real, Lasting Love in Canada</a> <a href="https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/Australia-dating-service.html?page=14">Australian Love Of your Dreams</a> <a href="https://www.loveawake.com/free-online-dating/Germany-dating-service.html?page=14">Online Love In Germany</a> Coincidentally, he showed me this parable very recently that I think sums it up pretty well (Deida, David. "The Way of the Superior Man."): Imagine that a man must go off to war. He hugs his woman good-bye. She is crying. "Please don't go," she begs. "You know that I must," he answers. They look each other deeply in the eyes. "You know that I love you," he says to her. "Yes. I know. And I also know you must go," she replies, and another gush of tears bursts from her heartbroken face. He turns and walks out the door, to his necessary destiny, as his woman, full of pain and pride, watches him disappear. This exaggeratedly dramatic scene captures a profound energetic principle: Although your woman seems to want to be the most important thing in your life, she actually can trust and love you more if she is not. A man's highest purpose is his priority, not his intimacy. Your woman knows this. Deep inside, she really wants it to be this way. The woman in the scene above would actually feel strange if her man suddenly said, "I've changed my mind. You are more important to me than the freedom of mankind. You are the most important thing in my life, and I don't care if my service to humanity is needed elsewhere, so I'm staying here with you." Even though part of her would feel glad, a deeper part of her would feel deflated, emptied, let down. And yet, as her man leaves the door to accomplish his mission, she cries, wishing he didn't have to... <h2>The Nature of Authentic Masculine Leadership</h2> My husband's 'take charge' attitude isn't from narcissism or arrogance (though I do tell him he's cocky from time to time, when he is...and his response is always, "but you like that" grrr...). He's a very amiable, good-natured person. It's just his natural demeanor to lead, and when I met him he was already a very driven young man. For example, he had made it his mission to go to pilot training and thought that majoring in aerospace engineering would help get him in. So he did it, and maintained high honors, even though he found he didn't like it...he was afraid that changing his major would spoil his chances and make him appear indecisive. And he was one of only two people in his class (out of many) who kept their slots at pilot training during the first "big drawdown" that followed after the first Gulf war (though both slots were still on hold for a year and we weren't sure he'd keep it). He wanted to get into ENJJPT (Euronato joint jet pilot training), because he wanted to fly fighters and at that time it was the only base where this was guaranteed (this changed during his class...there would actually be only two fighters available, and he was distinguished graduate and got his plane), he was selected out of hundreds of applicants for this as well. (As a side note, this was a fantastic experience for both of us. We were the only married couple there. Everyone else was single, and the class was largely comprised of Italians, Brits, Germans. This was before the PC craze went into full mode so the environment was old school and tremendously FUN. My honorary call sign was 'Hit chick' his was 'Hitman'. This callsign was far too awesome to last past the first year, callsigns are typically awful and based on buffooneries not heroics, but they didn't know that back in pilot training). Understanding how <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_role">gender roles</a> have evolved is crucial to grasping why some women find fulfillment in complementary rather than competing relationships. The traditional model where leadership was concentrated in one partner isn't oppressive when both individuals have consciously chosen their roles based on what makes them both thrive. <h2>The Support Role and Mutual Respect</h2> The answer to the question of how I've handled being married to a fighter pilot with the uprooting and frequent moves through the years...It's a natural extension of the relationship. I'm <a href="https://blog.loveawake.com/2021/12/27/the-four-ps-of-dating/">mission support</a>. He's the lead, aka the mission. He values my judgment highly (often depends on it) but he has ultimate say. I've taken the support role very seriously and would like to think I've done it well. I keep charge of the home front...particularly when he isn't around, or too busy to do so. I make sure our finances are in order and all of that. I've taken jobs in different locations based on demand and kind of steered my career goals towards the type of employment (or non-employment, depending on the circumstances) that would be most beneficial for the family. I wasn't in a position to career-climb (and I no longer had much interest in that anyway). Nursing was a good fit. Air force bases are not typically in "good" locations with large cities (although we have lived in the Washington DC area, Phoenix, and Las Vegas). The Navy is near the water, but the air force bases are usually around areas where the best training is feasible (they should be...considering they're burning tens of thousands of dollars an hour in jet fuel on taxpayer dollars those planes had best not need to fly far for unrestricted areas to train). We've lived at a lot of locations where (I'm told) wives cried when they first arrived. I never felt that way. I always kept my expectations low, and honestly the "worst" locations have been some of the best. It's the people that make the difference, and you form close friendships in such areas. Research on <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feminism">feminism</a> and modern relationships shows that women's empowerment hasn't eliminated the desire for partnership structures that honor complementary strengths—it's simply given women the freedom to choose them consciously rather than have them imposed. During his duties as squadron commander, his first real command job (he's an operations group commander at present...a higher position, he pinned on Colonel in his 18th year), I took on the spousal roles required for that: running charities, welcoming new people, organizing meals for those with new babies or health issues, supporting families when spouses were deployed, hosting coffees every month, writing newsletters, ect. I kept close tabs in case anyone needed assistance. I didn't want a spouse to be meeting me for the first time in the event of some personal tragedy and this could always happen so I stayed informed but never pressed...just enough to let them know they had support (some spouses were very involved, some not as much and I never wanted to make anyone feel pressure of that type...much like my husband, I've learned most what to do by learning what NOT to do from others before me who set bad examples). To keep this post from being too lengthy, I'll end with that season of our military life, we've had some life changes in the past couple of years since. These changes have allowed us to stay in one place for longer and see much more of him, which is wonderful in a number of ways...our sons need him more now than ever. A father's influence and involvement after a certain age is probably more important than the mother in many ways, especially for sons. And that age is about three. We've learned through the years each other's strengths and weaknesses and delegate responsibilities accordingly. We're both pretty easy-going people in general, so there's very little we argue about. Not to say we never argue! We have had some good bouts through the years, and I can be quite peppery...the more years together the further apart they are though. Battle-testing, and all that. CAUTION, Smarm Alert: Mostly I just love my man, and I'm extremely proud of him, and I want to make him happy. He seems to feel the same way for me. I do feel very fortunate. We've had an amazing life together. A few years back he showed me a slip of paper he has kept since the very first day we met. He had written my name and phone number on it. It is in pencil, pretty faded over the years...just a scrap from the corner of the University newsletter. I must've made quite a first impression! <iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/bwwuJ9O4Las?si=I4DNI8cJ1I7EOoe8" title="YouTube video player" frameborder="0" allow="accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share" referrerpolicy="strict-origin-when-cross-origin" allowfullscreen></iframe>